Introduction/The Godfather

Movies always think they're SO cool. "Ooh, look at me, I'm a silent film and I show 1,000 frames per minute!" Guess what? No one cares. We go to the movies so we can hang out with someone without actually having to talk to them. So stop trying to show off. It's not always about you.

My relationship with movies is this: if they don't bother me, I don't bother them. If they know they're bad, I won't say a word. It's the so-called "great" ones I don't like. Pssh, get over yourselves.

Like The Godfather. Especially The Godfather, because everyone says it's the best movie of all time. Um, alright.

Everyone always praises Marlon Brando like I don't know what. Please. He walked around with cottonballs in his mouth--that contributed about 90% to the "acting". And the raspy voice? Give me a pack of Marlboros and a wisdom tooth removal surgery and I can do the same "Oscar-worthy" performance for you.

Oh, and that "I'll give him an offer he can't refuse" line--that's a REAL keeper. Except not. Because there is no offer, Vito Corleone. You just put a bloody horse head into some guy's bed, freaking him out enough to do whatever you want. That's not an offer, that's a threat. Let's make some sense here, okay?

And let's not forget how the movie ends. The closed door. Ooh, get it? It's a metaphor for how they can't communicate! But what if Diane Keaton just decided "hey, I'm not going to wait until the second movie to become mildly interesting when I whine about my abortion" and just, wait for it...opened the door? There we go, problem solved. Bet you didn't think of that one, did you, Coppola?

But hey--don't think I forgot you, The Godfather Part II. If there's anything I can't stand more than The Godfather, it's the second one. Like DeNiro's acting. There we go again with that raspy voice. Because he's supposed to be Brando in his heyday and is trying to create continuity. Um, the captions saying "Vito Corleone" are enough. Stop trying to be believable.

And Fredo's Hail Mary/Fishing monologue is just...ugh. No one cares that you were the only Corleone brother to catch a fish, Fredo. You just pissed off Michael and your ass is grass. You sucked at defending your dad when he got shot five times at a fruit stand and, up until the middle of the second movie, you've pretty much been the least interesting Corleone. You even shave your 'stache to try and spice up your look. Am I supposed to magically like you more because you're a decent fisher and you happen to have an adorable child next to you listening to how that's the one thing you've ever had over your brothers? Because I don't.

So watch your back, The Godfather.